Thursday, January 20, 2011

Always there...

Uncle Orison
Uncle Orison in Colorado. 1992

For the first time in 16 years, (since he died 17 years ago) I didn't wake up yesterday thinking...This is the anniversary of Uncle Orison's death. I didn't think about the date at all. Obviously my mind was else where...just where we haven't figure out yet. *giggle*

Usually I think about him on that day, and remember what a wonderful Uncle he was, and miss him all over again and when late evening comes (which is when he died) I think "it's this time of day he died".

But yesterday was all about cows...and half baked whole wheat moron bread...and about how much of an idiot I can be. LOL

DH DID mention Uncle Orison...but he gets thought of or mentioned a lot, he was a big part of my life, OUR lives, till he died. He was a wonderful Man, who had a lot of love for his family, and I was privileged to be a member of that family.

But finally after 17 years, I guess I had healed enough to not dwell on his loss on the anniversary of his death...and to not even think about the fact that it WAS the anniversary...

...but someone should have told my subconscious mind that!

Last night, he was in my dreams. He is now and then, that's nothing new...but it's been a while, several months in fact, since I dreamed about him. It wasn't as intense as it has been in the past....but he was still there, and I woke up and remembered that today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life (so far...as I didn't find out he died till the morning of the 20th).

Its strange how the mind knows...even if you don't actually remember it, your subconscious mind does.

I thank God for letting Uncle Orison be a part of our lives, even if it was for two short of a time...and for helping us through his death. I also am so thankful that FINALLY, after 17 years, I am healing enough to start forgetting the anniversary's. Maybe in a few more years I won't remember till they are totally past.

If we are lucky, (and I seem to be REALLY lucky, cause I have several of them in my life) there are a few people we meet in life, that are so special, that it seems to take forever to get over their loss...Uncle Orison was one of them.

Garth Brooks song, "The Dance" comes to mind. "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance" and I would rather have the pain of loosing Uncle Orison all over again, than to loose those memories of him. He was more like a brother to me, than an Uncle, a close brother at that... (as I've discovered since I got married, not ALL brothers want to be "family") and he will always be in my heart.

However, I'm letting go, finally, of the pain, and holding onto the memories and the love. He would like that I think.

He would also have loved the Half Baked Whole Wheat Moron Bread from yesterday...or the story anyway, as well as all the other goofy things I do. *giggle*

So Uncle Orison...you are STILL loved and missed, but remembered with joy not tears, because you were ALWAYS there for us, in those short 39 years you were alive...and yes, I'm still that giggling, goofy, "blond" niece you knew and loved.

It is however WAY past time to let go of the pain...I'll keep the memories though, and visit you from time to time in my mind.

I LOVE you!!

4 comments:

  1. Sounds like a great man. I'm sorry for your loss, even 17 years later.

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  2. Huge, Dear. That is one huge step toward healing in your life. To be able to reach such a point and understand that guilt has no place here - at all - huge! Feel proud. Now you'll be able to REALLY enjoy those loving memories of him!

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  3. I miss him too even tho I didn't know him as well as you did. I still remember several things from him and he was always one of my favorite uncles too even tho I was so little. Hugs and I love you Aunt Debbie!

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  4. Thanks so much Ladies, he was such a big part of my life, he is always there in the back of my mind and in my heart, but I enjoy remembering the good times with him. Thankfully I can think of him without getting so depressed now.

    I'm so glad you remember him Kali, he loved you so much! I think he was the worlds BEST Uncle, and didn't even know it. I love you too sweet Kali. :)

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